Coming Out

There is no greater fear than coming out to your family that you are gay. Luckily for me, it was only half as scary because I am bisexual. When you’re bisexual, you’re still viewed as the same in society, but you just also like the other gender. It’s hard to be in a society where you like the gender you aren’t “supposed” to like, but being bisexual just means you can hide it better, at least in my opinion it does.

No matter what though, coming out is scary. In a society where you are supposed to like the opposite gender, it is hard to come out and say you like your own. Even with the world changing more and more, it’s still terrifying because their views on you are changing.

I recently was forced to come out to my family, and even some of my church.

Yes, I know it is weird to think that people can be both gay and Christian, but we are out there.

Now, I was at church, volunteering in the 2-3 year old room, and I was talking about my boyfriend. These girls who were also volunteering asked how many boyfriends I had, and I had to count them off. I let it slip out that I had a girlfriend once, and I told them not to tell anyone because it was not something that should have come out.

While the girls said they wouldn’t because they would never see me again since they were only visiting their uncle, they told their uncle, who happened to be my old pastor. He then told my current pastor, who told my dad, who told my mom after he came to me.

I really screwed up there.

Anyway, my dad flat out asked if I was bisexual, and I figured it was God telling me it was time to come out, so I said “yes”. I told him how I felt about women, and he said that I might not be gay, because he also views men as attractive, but he doesn’t see himself being with one.

First, he doesn’t know me or my body or my soul. I had been dealing with my sexuality since I was in the seventh grade, so I know what I have been feeling since then. I can see myself sating women and possibly marrying one. I also see that with guys, and that’s why I consider myself to be bisexual.

Second, don’t tell me what I am or am not. I am bisexual, so suck it up.

I told him about my struggle with dealing with my sexuality in my life, and he began to accept me. I cried when he told me he still loved me and how nothing would change, because the fear I was feeling was finally turning into relief from the fear I was constantly feeling.

I broke down when he told me that my pastor wanted for me to know that they don’t care if I’m bisexual, they just care that I know I have a place in my church and I can confide in them.

To know that the church I once feared as homophobic was accepting me was amazing. I never dreamed of hearing about a pastor who would accept me, but I guess I should have. He had been teaching a class about how being gay can be viewed as a sin or not a sin, so I consider him to be cool.

My mom came in my room ten minutes after my dad left, and she began to talk to me as well. I told her what I told my dad, and she told me she always knew in some way.

I am positive that it is a motherly thing to know whether your kid is gay or not. They just know somehow.

So she told me she still loved and accepted me, and I was happy. My mother still loved me, and she still liked me as well.

I figured since I was coming clean, I should tell her about being bigender. She didn’t completely understand it, and it does have to do with that fact that people would hide these sorts of things when they were my age, back in her day.

We now live in a society where all of these people are coming out with different gender identities both inside and outside the spectrum, so we get confused because it’s no longer black and white, and their is a gender identity out there to describe exactly who we are now.

She didn’t completely get it. I told her how I feel like my mind works more like a guy’s mind, but she just said it was normal, when I am pretty sure it’s not. While girls typically play more mind games with guys and don’t always flat out say how they feel, I know by looking at someone and talking to them once if I would want to be with them, and I will go after them without playing any mind games to say how I feel. If that’s how girls work as well, please start acting like it in my community.

She also went on to say how I would wear a tuxedo that was fitted and not loose. Well, yeah. I don’t want to wear a suit that falls off of me, so of course it would be fitted to git me, just like a guy. (I really thought she was an idiot when she said that)

The thing was, however, that being called a woman doesn’t sit correctly within me, and neither does being called a man. I’m not their son, and I’m not their daughter. I’m their kid who is a mixture of son and daughter. So, we agreed to disagree for now.

The next day, I called my boss in the child services at my church and apologized to her for talking about such adult topics in front of kids. I then told her how I was feeling, and she too supported me and told me I was part of my church’s family no matter what, because God loves me, and I am a child of God.

Now, I was a little confused here with this topic though. Why can’t we tell kids about gay people, or more like why do we hide it?

It’s not the fact that we are afraid of them being gay or because “gay is a sin”, but because it’s such an adult topic.

To describe being gay to a kid, sex does come up. You’re a woman who’s into vagina, or your a man who’s into penis. It’s all very adult, and people don’t want to talk to their kids about such an adult thing so soon when they aren’t ready to learn about the birds and the bees.

Right before I began to write this, my youth leader called me. She said to me that she felt like she wasn’t doing her job as being a youth leader right because I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her or the church because they’re usually homophobic, not because I don’t trust you.

She said something that I feel every person who doesn’t support gays should know. It’s a sin, but it’s no different from all other sins. You sin, I sin, we all sin. Don’t judge someone who sins differently than you do.

Now, I don’t view it as a sin. That’s for another blogging day.

But she told me she still loved me, and she wants me to trust her with how I’m feeling so we can all grow closer to God, and I agree. God made me who I am, and I am beautiful in his eyes. That’s why I’m not afraid to come out in school.

I don’t give a crap about who knows I’m bisexual o bigender in my school. They don’t all matter to me.

It’s the family and church, who are my second family, that I worry about because I love them and don’t want to lose them from my life.

To anyone who is reading this and is gay, religious, and in the closet, don’t give up hope. Sometimes, things aren’t as bad as we thought they would be.

I am still going to be on this journey of acceptance for a while, but now that it is out and in the open, and I’m ready to go forward and take the next step, because I want to be in the light and not the darkness caused by fear.

If you support gay rights, are a Christian who supports gays, and gay Christian yourself, or anyone who can relate to this, spread this to your friends and family. I want the world to know what it really can mean to come out in a gay, Christian environment for some people, because not everyone knows. They might even be educated on something they don’t know.

Just spread the word, because the less we tell, the less the world will know, and nothing will change.

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